Trafalgar revisited

Before the battle joined, the fleet PC/Diversity Officer ran to Nelson on the flag deck. As usual, the officer was in a state of excitement, due to realization of some non-PC event.

“Admiral Nelson!” the officer exclaimed. “I must protest!”

Nelson took the telescope from his good eye. “And what,” he said, “is your protest on this occasion?”

Opening a piece of paper, the enforcer of things correct stated, “I must protest this signal you ordered! ‘England expects that every man will do his duty.’”

Nelson’s stare was lost on the important PC officer. “You protest? Good heavens, man! We are about to engage the combined French and Spanish fleets!”

“But this signal! ‘England’ sounds so nationalistic! You must be more inclusive! Say, ‘The collective people of our geographical location’ or something similar. And this ‘expects!’ Do you not mean ‘hopes’ or ‘feels’ or an expression of the same intent? And, good lord, sir! This ‘every man!’ The gender-specific typing is so obvious! And ‘his duty?’ Again, the phrasing is far too gender-specific. You should signal ‘their.’ And as for ‘duty,’ perhaps you will consider suggesting that each sailor do as good a job as presentable, or to the best of their ability.”

“So,” Nelson said, “you want me to signal ‘The collective people of our geographical location feel that every person might do as good a job as they want?’ Or something similar?

“Oh, that will be a wonderful signal,” beamed the PC officer.

“Hunh,” Nelson said. He turned to another officer. “Signals!”

“Sir!” said the mentioned man.

“Please be so kind as to hoist my original signal to the fleet,” Nelson said. “And hoist this … this person immediately following the signal.”