So says imao.us, anyway.
WASHINGTON
DC (AP) – After over two years of attempting to arrest, indict, embarrass,
harm, stop, stall, or even marginally interfere with the implacable forward
progress of President Trump using a wide array of convoluted tricks, schemes,
and scandals, Congressional Democrats are now determined to exact retribution
for their continual failures from the ACME Manufacturing Company, Inc.,
claiming that the company’s products are both defective and hazardous, and that
they have consistently allowed President Trump to get away.
During this time
period, numerous Democrats have used ACME products in their political
machinations, however, due to the humiliation involved, very few were willing
to discuss their experiences on the record. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi offered
the following statement.
“I remember when Trump
called me into the Oval Office to discuss funding the border wall, and I had
this feeling that he might try leaving before I could get on camera and cut him
down with childish name-calling. So I took some ACME Wall Paint and made a fake
archway into the next room. Sure enough, 2 minutes into the meeting, he runs
out, but somehow he runs THROUGH the archway I painted. I tried running through
the archway after him, but I hit the wall face-first and splayed out flat
against it. That’s why I have this bandage on my nose. It is NOT – as some
people have suggested – from cosmetic surgery. That’s the other bandage on my
nose.”
Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib recalled her own encounter with the
elusive President.
“I put a can of
Diet Coke in the middle of the road next to a check from Russia – Trump loves
Diet Coke – figured I’d take a really incriminating collusion picture. Then I
remembered how he ran away from Nancy, so I strapped myself to an ACME rocket
so I could catch him when he did. When he took off, I went to go light the fuse
and BOOM! The rocket exploded immediately, I’m black with soot from head to
toe, and Trump got clean away. With MY Diet Coke!”
At the time we
interviewed Senator Chuck Schumer after his Trump experience, he had been
compressed into a two-foot tall cylinder with just his arms and legs sticking
out. As it was difficult to understand him over the accordion noises he made with
every step, the interview was brief.
“Fell off a
cliff. ACME anvil fell on me. ACME umbrella did nothing. I don’t wanna talk
about it,” Schumer said before accordioning away.
By way of
comment on the investigation, President Trump offered only the single brief and
cryptic tweet: “Meep Meep”.
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