Finding the perfect Christmas tree

Years ago when working full time with the Texas Army National Guard, I decided to get the Best Christmas Tree Ever for my family. That tree was somewhere within the boundaries of Camp Maxey, not too far from the Red River. I called the facilities manager to ask permission to cut one of the 1,000 cedars on post. The LTC in charge said, “Hell, Bob, as far as I’m concerned you can cut down every one of the SOBs.” The cedars were invasive species. 

The next afternoon I got one of the company’s M35A2 trucks and drove the 50 miles to Camp Maxey. (Yes, I took a military vehicle for personal use during duty hours.) After checking in at the HQ building, I drove around, looking for the Best Christmas Tree Ever. I found that tree between the rifle range and the machine gun range. With ax and limb saw, I cut the three-inch trunk and then backed the deuce and a half into the nearby ditch and dropped the tailgate. With a good grip on the trunk, I pulled the tree to the truck, stepped into the cargo area and pulled. And pulled. The tree would not fit into the back of the truck. The perfect tree was larger than the cargo area. Plus, I figured out, if I got the tree in the truck, there was not room for me to get out. Ditch that perfect tree.

I drove around a few more miles on post and found a slender cedar all by itself. That one I quickly determined would fit in the cargo area. With tree in truck, I checked back at the HQ building to let them know I was leaving. Facilities operating rules said gates were locked at 1700 hours. Too bad if somebody was inside at that time.

I drove home and parked the deuce in my front yard, pulled the tree from the truck and into the house. And discovered my 10-foot-tall cedar was a couple of feet taller than the living room ceiling. Not a problem. Top the tree, put on a star, we're good to go.