A kidnapping and a recommendation

The caller said, “I want to know why there wasn’t anything in the paper today about that kidnapping last night.”

I woke up my computer and hit Control N. I had done the police report that morning for the afternoon newspaper and was more than interested in a kidnapping story.

“Which kidnapping was that?” I said as the blank document appeared on the screen.

The woman said, “My sister’s ex-husband …”

Well, great. Now I am about to listen to a domestic problem.

As the TV ads say: But wait. There’s more.

“… kidnapped my sister last night and threatened to kill himself with a knife when the police surrounded his pickup.”

Police officers often show more restrain than I would in some situations. You have a man who has committed a felony and he’s sitting in his pickup with a knife at his throat, saying he’s going to kill himself if you don’t go away, and as a professional law officer you have to talk him into surrendering. I think I would sit on the hood of my police car, fold my arms and say, “Whatever you want to do, Bubba. I’ve got all night.”

To the caller I said, “There wasn’t a report on a kidnapping.”

“Well, he sure did it,” she said. She sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. He’s broken into my house several times, threatened my sister and me.”

I said, “Shoot him.”

There was a pause and then a sort of confused, “Pardon?”

“Next time he breaks into your house, threatens you and your sister, shoot him.”

“Oh. Well … There are kids in the house.”

“Okay,” I said. “Next time he breaks in and threatens you and your sister, have your sister take the kids out of the house, and then you shoot him.”

“Oh. Well … Thanks for listening.”

“Anytime.”

A woman in the newsroom laughed when I hung up. “Bob,” she said, “I can’t believe you just told a woman to shoot a man.”

“She said she didn’t know what to do.”

“What are you going to do when the police come here and say a woman shot a man because you told her to?”

I said, “I’ll tell them I thought the SOB ought to be shot.”

And I did. And I do.