Navy Secretary Ray Mabus announced today in a hastily-assembled press conference that everyone in the Navy is now a SEAL.
“We’ve had so many people claim to be SEALs in recent months that, in order to avoid costly prosecutions under the new Stolen Valor Act of 2013, we figured that it would just be easier to make everyone in the Navy a SEAL.”
According to the Department of the Navy press release which followed the press conference, a sailor doesn’t have to be a graduate of boot camp in order to win the prestigious title. Drill instructors will now hand out SEAL Tridents as recruits get off the bus when they arrive at training. The distinction is also retroactive – anyone who ever served in the Navy is authorized to write to the Department of the Navy and get their Trident pin along with a spiffy certificate suitable for framing.
All an applicant needs is a DD214 for any amount of time served in the Navy, Maybus assured reporters that even forged DD214s will be sufficient.
When asked if this just wasn’t a morale builder like then-General Eric Shinseki’s awarding Ranger berets to the entire Army, Maybus responded tersely, “Shinseki can suck it. He made soldiers graduate from basic training before they could wear Ranger berets. We’re treating everyone equally, just because they want to be a SEAL, they can now. Hell, even if they don’t want to be a SEAL, they are now.”
The Secretary also said that this would save them a “boatload” of money, trying to find someone who was a cook or bottle washer no one ever heard of to put their name on ships. “We sort of ran out names that piss off people after the USS Jane Fonda” said Mabus.
One man in Florida, Phillip Dale Monkress, reportedly ran over several pedestrians to mail out his downloaded application for his Trident. He was heard to say, “Someone tell my wife that she can call off the divorce now.”
When asked for comment, Don Shipley’s hair responded “Does this mean that I get an afternoon nap now?”
Not to be outdone, the Army has been reportedly planning to hand out Combat Infantry Badges at recruiting stations to anyone who pokes their head in the door.
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