Monday, March 31, 2014

Ukrainian jokes

This week's joke in translation was sent to us by Natasha Petrenko.

Taking Out the Garbage

A man is naked with his lover in her kitchen when they hear her husband coming home earlier than usual. His lover quickly grabs a grabage bag and runs to meet her husband in the hall, saying:
- Darling, I am just out of the shower. Please take out the garbage while you are still dressed.
The husband dutifully agrees and while he is away, the man sneaks down the stairs and leaves the building unnoticed, marvelling at how smart his lover is for thinking so quickly.

When he arrives home, he opens the front door and is in the process of removing his coat and hanging it up when his wife enters the hall with a garbage bag and says:
- Darling, I am just out of the shower. Please take out the garbage while you are still dressed.
He takes the bag and goes out, marvelling at how stupid his wife is because she's home all day and hasn't found the time to take out the garbage. –

An elderly Ukrainian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Ukrainian Perogy's wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite Perogy.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Ukrainian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogies was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the pierogies at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."

What do you call a Ukrainian hanging from a tree?

Branch Manager

How do you kill a one armed Ukrainian in a tree?

Wave at him

What do you call a Ukrainian living in Crimea?

That’s not funny.

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