I will be on you like ugly on a ape. (Yes, a ape.)
I will be on you like white on rice. (These days, using “white” in a disparaging remark would be OK; “rice” might have ethnic identity.)
I will be on you like stink on s**t.
You turdheads look like a monkey f’ng a football. (Visualization of the attempt brings no indication of why the act is remarkable in its ineptness.)
You turdheads are as f’ed up as a Chinese fire drill. (I have never seen a Chinese fire drill, and neither had any of the soldiers so addressed and am unable to understand the f’edupness.)
That was as f’d up as Hogan’s goat. (Again, I plead lack of education and know neither Hogan nor his goat.)
Regarding the monkey attempting sex with a football:
A soldier named Connelly was in the Aero Rifle Platoon at Fort Meade and in Vietnam. One night on ambush in a rubber plantation, Connelly was minding his own business, waiting for gooks to come down a trail and die, when a monkey jumped from a rubber tree and onto Connelly’s back. The monkey stated humping Connelly’s back pack**. When Connelly reacted in a negative manner, the monkey ran away and up another tree. That is the only instance I know of a monkey attempting sex with a back pack.
(**The back pack was the kind worn attached to a pistol belt and suspenders and generally known as a “butt pack,” since that was the part of the anatomy the pack bounced against when a soldier was running. So, more accurately, the monkey humped Connelly’s butt pack. However, I did not want to use the words “humping” and “butt” in so close proximity.)