Have you or someone you know spontaneously combusted?

Well, you have not spontaneously combusted, of course. If you had, you would be dead. A pile of ashes on the carpet or the tile. A preparatory funeral waiting only for a dust pan and broom and a funerary urn. Or plastic storage bag, or whatever is your burial choice.

If you have not spontaneously combusted and are reading this advert, know that help is available.

That’s right. We at Don’t Burn, LLC can help you avoid the fate of so many humans who suddenly burst into flames, leaving their friends and loved ones to ask the age-old question: “What the heck happened?”

Well, friend or loved one, what the heck happened is, your friend or loved one spontaneously combusted. He/she/they/some other pronoun succumbed to death in a hideous form.

But you need not worry about your own combustion. No.  Our scientists at Don’t Burn, LLC have developed a guaranteed program that will keep you from disappointing, confusing and scaring the heck out of those you love and like.

Simply call 366-’82-876552 for information on how you can keep from bursting into flames when no one is around to witness your demise.

That’s 366-’82-875552. Don’t wait until you smell smoke. Call now.

(Yes, I know the headline is grammatically incorrect – “Have … someone you know.” But it does sound somewhat British and sophisticated, dunnit?)